(#@#$%## holiday ads!

okay...I thought I could make it.

I thought I could make it through this season without standing on my soapbox and preaching on my corner. But I can't.

Because people, this has gone too far. The radio ads for useless crap have gotten worse since Christmas, if you can believe it. So let me add a couple of observations of my own:

I heard an ad for a jewelry outlet store, urging people to use their payment plan for a $4000 diamond engagement ring. They even had the audacity to say that they would accept other rings if women wanted to 'trade up' the one they'd received. Another commercial equated the size of the diamond with the amount of love the person offering it held for the person who was supposed to be receiving it.

To all the guys reading this, let me point this out: if she thinks the size of the diamond matters, or tells you outright what she wants, or wants to pick it out herself,

RUN!

Run fast, run far, and do not, under any circumstances turn around. Only prostitutes accept gifts for some sort of love.

To all the women reading this: if you feel that you're being given a ring to fix something broken in your relationship, or to keep you longer, or to tie you to someone,

RUN!

Run fast, run far, and do not, under any circumstances, turn around. You cannot be bought and paid for, although society tells you that you should be.

On to the next. To all those parents who think that your little darling children desperately need that $500 toy, don't buy it. Instead, try spending a little time with them, unless you've already ruined them.

And yes, I say ruined them, because it's YOUR fault they're shallow, thoughtless little sociopaths. Not the fault of their teachers, friends, television watching, or anything else. The greatest gift you can give your children is that of doing without.

Men: you married the woman you love. Trying to get her spa treatments, gym memberships, yoga classes, Mexico vacations, or anything else will not change the fact that you are both getting older and the changes of age are not always glamourous.

Women: face it, the man you married is the same man you live with now. Buying him gym memberships, bikes, quads, or any other useless crap will not change the fact that he is still the man you married.

You cannot change each other. The most you can do is be the best person that you can be for your partner because you know they don't deserve less than that.

Kids: ignore the TV. better yet; smash it with a hammer. You have my permission. Turn off the friggin' computer; leave facebook alone, burn your Ipod, and stuff your cellphone in the toilet.

Then try going outside and TALKING to other people. Yes, they're boring. Yes, they're rude. But you know what? People are like that! The reason why most people you meet outside your fekking electronic world seem so boring is because they are! But it's pretty difficult to pretend you're thinner, prettier, or more popular than you are when you're face-to-face with someone.

And one more thing: yes, Call to Duty and Halo are fun to play. But here's an idea. If playing soldier is that much fun, go out and BE one. Step into a recruiting office near you and give yourself a Christmas present: a whirlwind tour of all the hotspots in the world. Free room and board.

And maybe, when you come back, you might be able to better distinguish between reality and fantasy.

That the love you share with the woman you love makes the most expensive diamond ring look dull.

That when you look with love at that woman, you see that she really is the most beautiful woman in the world.

That she sees in you all the things you know you aren't, but wish you could be. And you know that you'll do your damndest to BE that person for her.

And that no amount of toys or games can take away YOUR responsibility in the lives of your children.