packing, moving, preaching, practicing, and dreaming

Oy.

When you live in a 1 and 1/2 bedroom apartment, you find yourself incredibly shocked at the sheer amount of stuff that can accumulate. Of course, since a great deal of that are my books, I'm in no position to complain. I just pack them up. 12 boxes of books.

But not little boxes. No, as the co-director points out, these are boxes that, even as I toss them around the living room, she can't budge them. I tell her I can move them because my heart is pure. Her reply does not befit a woman of her grace and breeding.

Tied into this a little problem that I'm having with time management. Not that I don't have good TM skills, no -- but simply that I don't physically have time enough right now.

I work 35 full-time hours a week for a landscaping company. I also write the order of service, choose hymns, write the sermon, and help coreograph some service features with a couple of members of the congregation.

I also aim to spend at least 3 hours of quality time a day (on weekdays) with the Boys, and at least one full day a week. So, it's good practice for life in the parish. Speaking of which, the co-Director worked it out -- only 20 months or so until I'm officially done. D-U-N, done. With this stage of my education, at least.

Now, part of the issue here is that I have a lot of time to think. My job as lead hand for a landscaping crew is relatively brainless, so I have a lot of time to think. That sometimes leads to trouble.

Trouble, for example, is a question that one of my professors asked on an assignment he returned. The assignment was an evaluation of a series of goals that I'd set for myself over the course of the academic year as part of a class called 'Vocational Formation.' The class, simplified, is "where do you want to be and what do you want to do as a Pastor?" The question scribbled on my assignment was, "so where do you see yourself?"

Where do I see myself? I see myself doing the only thing I've ever really dared to hope to be -- a pastor. The only thing I've ever really wanted to be when I grow up (still waiting for that to happen, though) is a pastor.

But where do I see myself exercising that vocation? I've talked with rural pastors (grew up there), urban pastors (learned a lot there), emerging church pastors (if you don't know what that is google it), sinking church pastors, chaplains, preachers, and teachers. But where do I want to be, really?

Where do I really want to be? Dare I ask myself that question? Because the place I really want to be, where I feel the most called to serve Christ and the Church -- after reflection, and prayer, and more prayer, and then open and frank discussion with the co-director -- and the courage to admit it to myself, is here.

Which is two years in parish ministry, basic training, and a whole lot of work.

But I need to go through internship, I think, before I really know the intricacies. I've served churches and various chaplaincies before -- as a parish assistant, regular pulpit supply, member, teacher, gopher, and all-around dogsbody, but never in the same capacity, with the time to meditate and reflect with the guidance of a supervising pastor.

I've sat at the feet of both KGP and the Pop-Culture Princess and I'm thankful for their insight, compassion, and guidance. But at the same time, I was working full-time, studenting full-time, and courting full-time (told you I had good TM skills!). Over the next 12 months I'm going to be forced to clear my plate, and deal with one thing at at time.

And that scares me, kind of. I know it should scare my supervisor. God knows what I'll scheme without a couple of jobs to keep my imagination under control....

And I know that I've mentioned that dream before to others, but it seems like now I know, just know, where I want to be.

Naviget.

So, wish me luck.