I'm a fool.

If I had three minutes to introduce Jesus as a guest speaker, or the next act on a variety night, how would I do it?

I would love to take the Steve Harvey route, I really, really would. Swirling lights, drumrolls, keyboard tinkles, the whole nine yards. But I can’t see Jesus surrounded by screaming fans. As near as I can recall, the last time he was in front of a crowd they were calling out for his death. He ran to the tops of mountains to get away from crowds of people who wanted to see his next miracle. Like watching trained dogs at the country fair.

The people he talked the most to were the people who hung around the edges, who didn’t pay ‘full ticket price’ to watch the master at work.

So here’s maybe how I’d introduce Jesus:

Ladies and Gentlemen;
(maybe make that “broken and sorrowing:”)

I’d like to take a minute to welcome the latest country bumpkin to annoy our prestigious leaders. I can’t re-introduce him because he’s been with us all this time, and will be, he says, ‘to the end of the age’. We’ll settle for the end of the beer tonight. It’s taken him a while to get here – remember, he only rode a donkey once, and then only for a short time.

The media call him lazy, a drunkard, and a glutton. His own cousin could accuse him of ‘sheep-stealing,’ so if you’ve got people you want to keep around you, you may want to send them out about now. If you’ve got secrets here tonight you’ll probably want to slip out, too – he’ll tell you everything you’ve ever done if you stop to talk to him.

If you came here hungry, we’ve got a fish and two loaves in the kitchen – we’re not five thousand here, so we figured we didn’t need as much. If you came here thirsty – well, there’s two cups here. One’s full of water – clear and cold. The other….well….that’s the same cup he drank of. We’re not big on passing that one around.

I hope that you noticed the hearse parking around back – given that we’re not big on tombs in our culture, some of you have taken the liberty of bringing your loved ones around. We don’t mind that here so much; just make certain that you collect that vehicle when you leave. For the other representatives from funeral homes and other guests in mourning: we just ask that you keep the wailing down so that other guests can hear. Our speaker will be with you shortly.

I’ve noticed that tonight we made a lot of space for handicapped guests; I appreciate that. I heard something on the roof a while back. I just hope they notice the skylight and the pulley system we’ve installed for that purpose. Again, please take your equipment with you when you leave. No shoving, and please, don’t let the blind lead the blind again. We’re still paying on the settlement from last time.

He’ll call on you, and he’ll expect an answer in the affirmative. This can be a commitment, so hopefully you haven’t promised mom you’ll sit with her tonight, and you’ve laid Uncle Henry to rest. Sit, and keep watch with him tonight.

Here’s a man who will talk for hours, and hours without a point, so listen carefully. He may ask questions later.

His mother’s husband called him Joshua, she called him Jesu; the Pharisees called him a blasphemer and several mistaken people in the past have called him just ‘God’. His closest friends call him ‘rabbouni,’, his Father called him ‘beloved,’ and we who are here tonight know him as Jesus.

Brothers and sisters, as we’re here with our burdens and labours, let’s give them up: give up everything – heart, soul, and mind – give them up to welcome the second coming of our king –

- king of the hungry and poor,
- king of the hopeful and hopeless,
- king of the helpful and helpless,
- king of the lost and wretched,
- king of the maimed and forgotten,
- king of the despised and unclean,
- king of the blind and the lame,
- king of the lowly and desperate,
- king of innocents and children,
- king of widows and orphans,
- king of prostitutes and thieves,
- king of adulterers and divorcees,
- kings of retards and fools,
- King of kings and Lord of lords,

Jesus, who is called the Christ, the Son of the Living God.